You're Trouble.

Background: we met at the SAR team's Christmas party. He was a member about 6 years ago, and he's the best friend of the firefighter I had that brief stint with at the beginning of the summer. We didn't talk much at the party. I was pretty mesmerized though. He is disarmingly attractive... with icy blue eyes that make you get that funny feeling in your stomach. An army guy, he was on leave at the time. We didn't talk again until he was back on base, far far away in another state. We started casually chatting online.

And somehow we ended up here, about a month after we first started talking. Through several 4 hour long phone conversations and days spent texting back and forth... we're strangely infatuated. It's completely unbelievable, exciting, and terrifying. I've never found it so easy to talk to someone, and I find myself thinking about him all the time. Most of the time it just feels natural and I don't even think twice about it. But occasionally I stop, take a step back and think "what the fuck is going on?" Sometimes I want to slap myself for it.

We're in this constant tug of war because there's that weird attachment but then there's the fact that we've never really hung out. We've spent all of 2 minutes face-to-face. More importantly, he's fresh from 27 months in Iraq and just about to get out of the army. Talk about a transitional period in life. He's not ready to settle down into some big commitment when he's just trying to sort out what he's going to do now that he's out.

He's getting out late February, and was going to drive around the country a bit before finally making it back home. So we were counting on finally hanging out mid-March. Until he completely surprised me tonight with a flight itinerary. He's coming this weekend. I ran around my house like a little girl jumping and squealing.

Because I know you're reading this -

Hi there. I can't wait. :)

Maybe each of us alone has enough crazy for the both of us.

Today I cried over a boy for the first time in nearly 3 years. If you asked me to explain why, I couldn't give you a good reason.

He could give you all the reasons in the world why right now isn't right. And he is right. I know it. Does it matter? It doesn't make it any easier. He has his personal demons to sort out and I respect that. I'm not trying to complicate the life of someone who is simply trying to get his mental health on track after a long, long time at war. But fuck. Fuck.

Didn't you think about that at all when you told me all the things you did? I didn't get this attached on my own, damn it. I didn't. And honestly, I kind of hate you for fucking with my head so much. It's nice and all that you were courteous enough to stop before it got really bad... but why did you even start?