I know you'll read this eventually...

"It's been a long time since I talked about so much nothingness and so much somethingness with someone."

I want you to know that you somehow manage to simultaneously enthuse, scare and soothe me. I don't know what this all means or where we're going to go with it. All I know is that I want to be around you and I want to know what you think. I want to know where you've been and where you want to go. I want to know what makes you tick - what song you listen to when you want to feel something, what stretch of road you drive when you just feel compelled to drive somewhere, where you go when you want to feel that divine vacancy - that "Ahhhhh".

I know the timing isn't perfect and you have a lot of shit to sort out in your mind. Just know I'm here. I'll listen to you and give you a shoulder to cry on if that's all you need. If you need to disappear, I'll let you go. I don't expect anything from you. I just hope that I can have some of your time. If you need to take your time, I'll wait.

You are one hell of a creature and I know I'll never really understand some of the misery you've been through. I hope that you find some solace. From the bottom of my heart.

Ethics

I'm taking "Intro to Ethics and Society" this semester, a philosophy course. After one day of class, and about 25 pages of reading, my brain already hurts in a good way. I'm trying to think of a way to sum up my general system of values and ethics. It's hard to define. I typed up this general manifesto a year or so ago, and it sums up some of my values, I suppose.

• Altruism is the only answer to hostility. Passion is the only answer to apathy. Curiosity is the only answer to ignorance.
• The harder I work now, the stronger I'll be when it counts - when people are relying on me or when I have no one to rely on but myself.
• People are always worth trying to love, or at least understand.
• Worry is a worthless disease.
• Cowards say "fuck the system" and run from it. The brave integrate themselves and change it.
• Teach all you can and learn all you can from every person and experience.
• Embrace the undefinable as is.
• "These things that I do... so that others may live."

I'm agnostic and spiritual. Therefore, as far as the basis for my values, I try to live my life in a way that in the least does not harm others and at most makes the world a little bit better. My justification is selfish. I feel the most fulfilled when I am benefiting others. It's really as simple as that.

I believe that if there is no higher power, no afterlife, no mystical force behind why we are here, my life will have been worth something if I have made some sort of positive impact, no matter how small. Am I even truly dead as long as my actions have made life better for someone who is still living?

If there is a higher power, and God knows if there is, I have faith that he/she/it will be just, and keep me in their good graces despite the fact that I do not go to church, did not save myself for marriage, and was never baptized.

I believe in the sanctity of life, but I do believe there are circumstances in which taking a life is justified. If a person is suffering, there is no end in sight, and they want to die, let them die for the love of God. It's selfish to keep them here when they would rather be elsewhere. I believe that certain people who have displayed complete disregard for the lives of others, who cause more harm than good by simply existing, deserve to die.

I see the world in existentialist terms. I do not believe there is one right path. Some speak of existentialist angst and the existential dilemma... "Why am I here?! What is my purpose?!". I say it's a waste of time. I value resourcefulness and believe that in absence of a God-given purpose, one should invent a purpose for themselves, whatever that purpose may be as long as it does not involve harming others. I cannot justify why human life has such inherent value. It's just there.

Getting Away

I've had this overwhelming urge to load up my pack, drive to the middle of Nowhere Backcountry, USA and spend some time out alone in the wilderness. That wanderlust. It's nagging. Is it my age? My SAR instincts tell me that this is a terrible idea, though.

Life is all there for the taking, it's a matter of taking the plunge.

The simple, overwhelming joy of existing.

Today I was driving home, listening to a good song (Windmills, by Toad the Wet Sprocket, if you must know) when the sky seemed to suddenly explode into this beautiful sunset. The Rockies, craggy and defined by snow, were dripped in this ethereal orange haze. I had to consciously refocus my attention on the road. I gripped the leather of the steering wheel and forgot about everything. I have a lot to be thankful for in my life, but at that moment I let it all go and just existed in the moment. It felt so overwhelmingly miraculous to just exist. God knows what it all may mean, or how it came to be, but the simple act of living is beautiful.

My 2 seconds of "fame"

Here's the aforementioned news clip. I'm pretty much the only person not wearing a black and gray jacket, with the sexy blue/green gloves.

And no, for those who are newish to my blog, I am not in high school. I recently "graduated" the team but continue to volunteer in the field and act as an instructor. I was a lieutenant during my tenure as a regular, high school student member, but officer positions are filled by youth only (except for the chief staff) and they are completely in charge in the field. So officers automatically lose their rank the fall after graduating high school. It's pretty crazy, but it works well. The leadership is continually refreshed and it brings new blood in command constantly, which can be difficult but has definite advantages. Anyways. It's pretty cool. Kudos to our Chief - he deserves that award. Kudos to his wife as well - who you can see playing patient in the clip.

When the world is watching

Our Chief was honored with some "heroes" award by a major local TV news station. They wanted to film a segment of us running through a quick training, so we staged a search and carryout for them.

I was the primary medical - just treating a simple isolated tibfib fx. I felt like I did a good job, but it was only after the fact that it really hit me. This segment is going to run 6 times on a major network. Hundreds of thousands of people are going to see me. It's not the laypeople that make me nervous, it's the idea of hundreds of EMTs, medics, nurses, etc watching me. Scrutinizing my every move. What if I made some small f-up and didn't even realize it, or they edit it in a way that makes me look bad?

It airs in 3 hours. I'm glad they aren't using my name.